


The Palm of a Tiny Hand

by FugalGear



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Fatherhood, Gen, Loss, Love, Unplanned Pregnancy, just a warning, this is sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-12
Updated: 2012-12-12
Packaged: 2017-11-20 22:33:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/590383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FugalGear/pseuds/FugalGear
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sebastian got a taste of a normal life, once, when no one was there to catch glimpse of it. It was the best thing that ever happened to him, and letting go was no easy decision.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Palm of a Tiny Hand

**Author's Note:**

> Something I jotted down on loose-leaf paper.

She was so tiny. So small and fragile and chubby with a crinkled face and slight, twinkling eyes, and a little tuft of ginger hair. A ball of furled limbs and a pink mouth and soft skin.

Sebastian didn't think he would love her.

He and Jim weren't exclusive by any right. They stayed loyal to each other, for the most part, but exceptions were occasionally made. Such a trist occured so long ago that it passed completely from Sebastian's memory. The sniper had gone out for coffee with an old friend from university--well, girlfriend actually. Jane was a petite girl, and charming at that. She had the sweetest way of leaning forward with a giggle and a coy smile, which, even over a decade later it seemed, still seduced Sebastian.

He made love for the first time in a long time (Sebastan never fucked women, not like he did Jim. A woman's body was meant to be studied, worshipped), and with Jane on birth control, Sebastian decided that he trusted her enough to forgo protection himself.

That was that, really. They parted ways again, thankful for the chance to catch up. The flow of his life continued on, uninterupted and unperturbed.

That was ten months ago, and now he had a two-month old baby in his arms. A frantic Jane had shown up at the door, pink bundle nestled against her chest. She had forgotten her birth control, had lied to her husband and said it was his.

The truth was out now, of course. _No_ , Sebastian had said with disgust. _I don't want it. This is your stupid fault._

Jane choked out an apology and shoved the infant at him, heels clacking as she fled down the street. She didn't want to give it up, so handing the little girl to her father had been the obvious choice. 

Sebastian didn't want it, of course. At first. Yet against the man's own logic the more he held the baby, indignance toward 'it' transformed to adoration for his daughter. His daughter. Sebastian Moran, destroyer of lives, had, by some twisted design of fate, created life.

Jim was out for the month. Top-secret business bullshit somewhere in South America.

So Sebastian bought a crib, and the dozens of other things he needed, and the more he humored himself that he would keep Lucy (as that was her name), the more in love with the tiny stranger he grew. She was wonderful, a blessing, and with each day Sebastian loved her more and more. More than he knew it possible for him to love anything. Certainly different than the way he loved Jim.

With each day that passed entertaining and caring for the infant, Jim's return marched ominously closer. There was no way he could keep Lucy. His Lucy.

Sebastan adored her, made plans for her. Imagined the kind of person she would grow to be. Strong, charming, intelligent and beautiful. All of the things he saw in his daughter. The sleepless nights were worth it, somehow.

It was all a fantasy, of course. Sebastian knew that he was playing at the normal life that he could never have. The sniper knew he was a fool. Happiness never lasted. 

She was an accident dumped on his doorstep, a one-night stand with an old lover that beget an illigetimate child that he thought he'd have nothing to do with. But he did.

Jim would be home soon. Sebastian had to make a hard decision, and the decision he made broke his heart. There could be no trace of Lucy.

Sebastian plucked the child from her cradle, cooing at her softly. He was more cut out for the father role than he thought. He didn't think he would love her, but he did. It broke Sebastian in half to know that he couldn't have her. 

"I love you so much, baby girl," Sebastian told her with a kiss to her forehead. "You're the best thing that's ever happened to me, that will never change, so long as I live. Not ever. I was so alone, little one. I guess this is goodbye."

And she held his finger in the palm of her tiny hand.


End file.
